My Body is My Body
Photograph: Chanel Allure
During my last doctor visit, I weighed in at 180lbs. I remember years ago that number would have pushed me into a depression cycle. For the past 12 years, I have struggled with my weight and body self-esteem.
Some time ago, I was slim and flat in all the places that I now enjoy. I remember not realizing I had put on weight; I guess I was so consumed with life. It wasn’t until I bumped into an old friend and got the “wow you gained weight” comment and face of surprise. Soon after that, rumors were flying around that I must have been pregnant, which was far from the truth. I was just fat. Days after, I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, and it read 190lbs at 5’1. The doctor quickly blamed my birth control and explained that was a side effect. I became obsessed with weight loss pills because working out was foreign to me. I was 25 years old looking in the mirror at my new body.
In recent years, I have been consistently inconsistent with making fitness a mandatory part of my life. I will go long periods of being a gym rat and doing all the right things, and suddenly I lose motivation and go inactive for months. I have been to every gym I can think of, and I have also invested in several personal trainers over the years. From my track record, one would never know that I actually love working out. At one point, I was hitting the gym twice a day and others I was running three miles a few times a week. I have made it down to 160lbs only to gain it back during my time of inactivity.
Subconsciously, I have been trying to get back to that skinny girl from high school. Silly Right? I laugh at that thought now, because clearly, my body has shifted to a different space. I have grown to love my curves. These days, I accept my body for what it has become, but I aim to improve it from the inside out. Being health conscious is now a bigger part of the person I am. I have days where I cheat, but they are few and far in between. I have become way too hard on myself because I know what to do and I have all the tools, yet I still allow myself to struggle. It’s one of those periods where I might complain but never push myself to get back on track and more importantly stay on track. I cannot blame anyone else either.
My standard for myself has to increase as well as my level of discipline. So my new goal is to work on consistency and find ways to keep myself motivated. I am currently on a few journeys. My fitness journey has begun again and hopefully for the last time. An overall lifestyle change is the goal. Reducing my body fat and weight is the goal. Committing to self-improvement forever is the goal. Its time to change the cycle.