Baby at 37? Stay Single?
Photo Credit: Crate & Kids
When are you having kids? That’s probably the most asked question I receive. Honestly, I never wanted kids. I was selfish and didn’t want my free life to drastically change. such as no more drinking and partying, no more buying clothes that would remain with the tag in my closet for months, no more sleeping in on my off days watching TV unbothered, and no more coming and going as I please.
Here I am at 37 years old with a changed heart. My heart began to change in 2011 when my gynecologist called to report my Pap smear returned abnormal. I had Cysts on my ovaries. She said calmly nothing to be alarmed about just focus on health and reduce stress. My mind spiraled over the next few months. I read articles, did research and spoke in grave detail with my doctor about possible outcomes. Cancer and fertility became the topic of my life.
The thought of possibly not being able to carry a child scared me. I thought to myself, how selfish could I be? I have the power to conceive and carry another human being in my body. A superpower I proclaimed……Yet I was willing to pass up on that experience for a carefree life. Why would I deprive myself of that once in a lifetime experience? I asked myself over and over.
My life started changing. Subconsciously, I began implementing small lifestyle changes that would preserve my body for the chance to have a baby in the future. I just wasn’t ready. My finances weren’t up to par, my relationship was in shambles and my apartment too small. I had work to do, I said.
Majority of friends and women around me in my age group had started families already. Their advice was “you’ll never be ready.” Some even encouraged me to just have a baby now and figure out the rest later. Getting pregnant by any guy just freaked me out even more. In 2015, everything was normal. I guess my holistic approach and intentional self care paid off. Now the thought of having a baby was stronger, I was given another chance.
In my mind, my pregnancy would be a mutual decision and planned to the exact month with my husband. Yet I was far from that goal. So I’m left with the decision to basically plan to be single and co-parent or to take the risk and wait for my knight in shining armor. Tough decision. I keep telling myself I have time. Because I do right?! I mean, after all, I’m only 37, I’m healthy. Woman are having children well into their early 40’s these days.
They say the longer I wait, the harder it will be. I try to imagine being 50 years old with a child under 10. I can do it if I preserve my health and stay active, I told myself.
I’m ready but I’m not ready is my motto. I continue to wait. Besides, I have a lot to still do.
A small piece of me is trying to be content with the fact that it might not happen or happen as I dream of. I don’t want to be the 60-year-old woman who regrets her choices. No first birthdays no first days of school no little person that looks like me and up to me.
Just me and my 2 cats forever and ever. That's the big joke everyone laughs at.
But is that how I want to live?